Lisa Ono ~ Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear maybe ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Just smile...

i want... to eradicate the hatred in my heart.
i want... to have peaceful sleep without weird dreams.

i want... to have the freedom to achieve the things i want.
i want... to enjoy this festive season with dearest friends.

i want... to breathe in the fresh air amidst lush greenery.
i want... to smell the salty air and gaze upon the sea.

i want... just to have a peaceful, fairylit christmas.
i want... to have a meaningful one & bring joy to others.

i am... happy that my effort has paid off.
i am... glad that i m motivated.

i am... worried & guilty.
i am... hopeful that things will be fine.

i am... confused no more.
i am... firm on my wants.

i am... wasting time no more.
i am... only looking forward. =)

(continuation...)

i am... not so happy with the service at the vet's.
i am... glad that it's just a molehill, rather than a mountain.
i am... just relieved that rie's alright. =)

Rihanna ~ P.S. I'm Still Not Over You

I know we haven't spoken for a while
But I was thinkin' bout you
And it kinda made me smile
So many things to say
And I'll put 'em in a letter
But it might be easier
The words might come out better
How's your mother, how's your little brother?
Does he still look just like you?
So many things I wanna know the answers to
Wish I could press rewind
And rewrite every line
To the story of me and you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothing to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you you
Still not over you you

Excuse me, I really didn't mean to ramble on
But there's a lot of feelings that still remain since you been gone
I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me
But it seems there's always somethin' right there to remind me
Like a silly joke, or somethin' on the t.v.
Boy it ain't easy
When I hear our song
I get that same old feeling
Wish I could press rewind
Turn back the hands of time
And I shouldn't be telling you you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothing to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you you
Still not over you yea

Did you know I kept all of your pictures
Don't have the strength to part with them yet
Oh no...
Tried to erase the way your kisses taste
But some things a girl can never forget

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin' to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Oohh...
Still not over you
And how I have tried to forget you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get know better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothing to lose
Hope you to hear from soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you

羅志祥 ~ 愛轉角

我偽裝著 不露痕跡的
想在你身邊 靜靜的陪著看著天邊
騎著單車 往前行進著
某個路口 愛在等著
你往前走 不回頭看了
記憶的笑臉 緩緩的敲著我的琴鍵
我不捨得 讓你孤單單的
我愛你的 心牽掛著

心不再拼命躲 不去害怕結果
假設有個以後 你會怎麼說
一直想跟你說 幸福不再溜走
下個路口 你會看見愛 有美麗笑容

愛轉角遇見了誰 是否有愛情的美
愛轉角以後的街 能不能有我來陪
愛轉角遇見了誰 是否不讓你流淚
也許陌生到了解 讓我來當你的誰
我不讓愛掉眼淚 不讓你掉眼淚
現在永遠 你就是我 就是我的美

心不再拼命躲 不去害怕結果
假設有個以後 你會怎麼說
一直想跟你說 幸福不再溜走
下個路口 你會看見愛 有美麗笑容

张栋梁 ~ 北极星的眼泪 ~ Tears from Polaris OST

像断了线 消失人海里面
Like a broken piece of string that has disappeared in a sea of people
我的眼终于失去 你的脸
My eyes have finally lost sight of your face
再等一会 奢望流星会出现
Just wait a while desperately waiting for a shooting star to appear
愿 如果真的实现
If wishes really do come true
爱能不能永远
Can love really be forever?
明天 或许来不及变
Tomorrow's change may come too late
但曾经走过的昨天 越来越远
But the memories of our shared history grows dimmer by the day

* 北极星的眼泪 说不出的想念
Tears from Polaris, thoughts that are unspoken
原来我们活在 两个世界
For we live apart in two separate worlds
北极星的眼泪 你哭红的双眼
Tears of Polaris, your eyes are red from crying
被淋湿的诺言 淹没在心里面
Drenched promises are submerged in my heart
我抬头看着 爱不见
I raise my head and find that the love has gone

再等一会 奢望流星会出现
>Wait a while and hope that a shooting star shall appear
愿 如果真的实现
If wishes really do come true
爱能不能永远
Can love really be forever?
明天 或许来不及变
Tomorrow's change may come too late
但曾经走过的昨天 越来越远
But the memories of our shared history grows dimmer by the day

当对的人 等不到对的时间
When the right person cannot wait for the right time
就在放开手的瞬间 爱撕成两边
In the instant when our hands separate, the love that we share is torn in two
整个宇宙都 流眼泪
The whole universe is shedding tears

It's been exactly one week since I have blogged.. so here it goes... well well, SG's a really small world.... I bumped into 2 guyz in one night! Haha... talk about coincidences... I seem to have a knack for bumping into people... maybe my spot-on gut instinct's in play again... hee... anyway, it's been a week of catching up with friends, reminiscing & resolving some issues (you told me you were sorry... & that you were blissfully unaware of your shortcomings... though it's been all just mere talk, I accepted it and let's move on... no point living in the past because the fact remains that some things cannot be changed...) (yea sista, thanks for ya words of wisdom)... and oh yes... I have found joy again... and joy in playing the piano... it's been sooooo long since my fingers have really found delight in playing the so distant, but yet so familiar keys... still need lots of practice to feel really acquainted with the piano again... very rusty hee...

I really miss my piano teacher, Ms Erly Lee... a pretty, feminine lady with lotsa patience... especially for fidgety & lazy kids like me last time... sadly, she's been crippled from polio since young and walks around with a crutch... someone whom I really admire for living on so bravely and does not think she's some disabled person... there's no bitterness in her & she's even livelier than one with no disabilities at all... after she quit her regular piano teaching job, she hopped between students' houses, taking the bus with no complaint at all... she's someone whom I really respect and learnt a lot from.... I guess I was so lucky to have had her as a teacher... it has been 14 years since we have last met... I still remember starting off at the music school which continued into years... then when I was in secondary school, I would rush home after school to take piano lessons, get reprimanded for keeping long nails =p, pressurized by school work & extra lessons at the same time... those were the times... I wonder how she's doing now? Happily married with kids? I do hope so... she sure deserves that... it's only my regret that I did not complete it all the way & lost contact with her... no matter what, I feel oh so motivated again upon all those memories... Thank you, Ms Lee. =) I'll always be reminded of you when I play the piano...

Well, there has also been some political debate between me and some of my friends... do you prefer B-O-W? Senator Obama or McCain? Actually, I am glad that Obama has won, because I feel that he's what the American people need... a refreshing CHANGE and hope in the process... a icon that stands for the fact that race does not really matter... as his slogan goes, yes, we can CHANGE... applies to us too... for the better, I hope... Ah well brudder, I get ya point too... let's wait and see how this new US presidency will translate into what kind of CHANGE for Singapore & Asia.... in terms of trade policy... hopefully for the better too? =p Btw, for the record & for those frens of mine who think I am pro-Obama, I am neither a Obama or McCain fan... haha... (though I must admit I prefer darker, deep fried mantous, instead of the white, steamed ones to go with my chili crab, Captain... hee) hmmmz.... something else that's kinda irrelevant... since Obama's daughter's allergic to dogs, think the First Dog will be a hypoallergenic dog eg. a Poodle or Bichon Frisé? * thinks of my own Bichon Frisé pooch in the White House... * BOW! so cute right? =p) For those that dunno what I am going on about... check out this following article... in Today newspaper a few days back...



Having said that, I read up on Sen. McCain and have immense respect for him... him who narrowly escaped death during a naval mission in Vietnam, but chose to continue to fight on. During the following year, McCain's plane was shot down and suffered multiple injuries from the crash, and torture from the civilians & North Vietnamese military. He was imprisoned for years in the infamous "Hanoi Hilton" prison cell as a POW.... despite having given concession to go back earlier to the States, after the Vietnamese found out the identity of his family... dad & granddad with an illustrious 4 star admiral history with the US navy.

After having given that opportunity on his firm belief in first-in-first-out releases, he had to wait another 4 more years to be released from hell and had to undergo years of rehabilitation for his numerous injuries. He was lauded & admired for his heroic courage and his love for his country, above his own family. I think he delivered a humbly wonderful concession speech... a man not afraid to admit his defeat and move on... because after all, they are fellow countrymen who just want their country to do well...

Hmmmz, no matter what, in my opinion, these are two worthy opponents for the fight to the world's ultimate most powerful post. It's not an easy one, one too easily subject to numerous criticisms as to how you run the country, and in some sense, the world... US being the world's biggest economy... and it's no joke considering the volatile, ravaged state it is in now... I guess before we pass any criticisms, perhaps we gotta reflect on ourselves first?

A light jab at the election campaign: It's Time For Some Campaignin'!

Hmmz... as the papers suggest, is Singapore ready for a non-Chinese PM? Well, I think it's about time soon.... a pretty obvious candidate comes to mind... as the papers have also hinted at... someone whom I think can command the presence... well, time will tell...

(* disclaimer note: above text has no political or racist intention to it.)

孫燕姿 ~ 眼淚成詩

我已經　已經把我傷口化作玫瑰
I've already, already turned my injuries into roses
我的淚水　已經變成雨水早已輪回
My tears have already become rainwater, they have long since reincarnated
我已經　已經把對白留成了永遠
I've already, already eternalized our conversations
忘了天色　究竟是黑是灰
I have forgetten if the sky really is black or gray

分手傷了誰　誰把他變美
Our separation hurt whom, who made it beautiful
我的眼淚寫成了詩已無所謂
My tears are written into a poem, it already doesn't matter
讓你再回味　字不醉人人自醉
Let me remind you, words don't intoxicate people, people get drunk on their own
因為回憶總是美
Because memories are always beautiful

我已經　已經把絕情變成了恭維
I've already, already turned cruelty into flattery
因為不配　你就忽然自卑說聲失陪
Because we were incompatible, you suddenly felt inferior and said we shouldn't be together
我已經　已經把沉默變成了懺悔
I've already, already turned silence into confession
無路可退　只能無言以對
There's no other way, I already have no words to make things right

分手傷了誰　誰把他變美
Our separation hurt whom, who made it beautiful
我的眼淚寫成了詩已是無所謂
My tears are written into a poem, it already doesn't matter
讓你再回味　字不醉人人自醉
Let me remind you, words don't intoxicate people, people get drunk on their own
你的品味總是美
Your aftertaste is always beautiful

Lighthouse Family ~ Question Of Faith

Can’t see the truth in triggered words
Don’t need a mountain for a wall
See the big old moon spin around the world
Somehow it makes me feel so small

I know I’ve been living the simple life, really that’s the main thing
Nowadays nobody speaks about the way they feel about things
I know I need something to set me right, now it seems there’s nothing
Nowadays nobody thinks about a way to ease the suffering

Baby I know you’re the first thing
I believe in, honestly
How do you prove what you can’t see?
Well, it’s a question of faith
Baby I know you’re the first thing
I believe in, honestly
Say you don’t know enough about me
Well, it’s a question of faith

Don’t wanna complain, the weather could be worse
But I wish I’d learnt from my mistakes
Don’t really need no clever words
To understand what’s in your face

I know I’ve been living the simple life, really that’s the main thing
Nowadays nobody speaks about the way they feel about things
I know I need something to set me right; now it seems there’s nothing
Nowadays nobody thinks about a way to ease the suffering

Baby I know you’re the first thing
I believe in, honestly
How do you prove what you can’t see?
Well, it’s a question of faith
Baby I know you’re the first thing
I believe in, honestly
Say you don’t know enough about me
Well, it’s a question of faith

Ken Hirai ~ Hitomi wo Tojite (Close your eyes)

Asa mezameru tabi ni kimi no nuke kara ga yoko nii ru
Nukumori wo kanjita itsumono senaka ga tsumetai
Every morning I’d awake, you naked beside me
I’d feel your warmth, but your back was always cold
Nigawarai wo yamete omoi KAATEN wo ake you
Mabushi sugiru asahi boku to mainichi no oikakekkoda
Stop smiling so bitterly, open that serious curtain
the morning light is dazzling, but you chase it and me away every day
Ano hi miseta nakigao namida terasu yuuhi kata no nukumori
Keshi sarouto negau tabi ni kokoro ga karada ga kimi wo oboeteiru
That one day, you saw me cry, my tears shining in the setting sun
Even if I wish I wouldn’t, my heart, my body, they remember the warmth of your shoulder

Your love forever
Hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo sore dakede ii
Tatoe kisetsu ga boku no kokoro wo okizari ni shitemo
Your love forever
Close your eyes, let me paint your picture, even if my heart
becomes deserted through the changing seasons, this much would do me good
Itsuka wa kimi no koto nani mo kanji naku naru no kana
Ima no itami daite nemuru houga mada ii kana
One day, I would no longer be able to feel you here
It’ll be okay if I sleep on my side, hugging the pain inside
Ano hi miteta hoshizora negai kakete futari sagashita hikari wa
Matatakuma ni kieteku no ni kokoro wa karada wa kimi de kagayaiteru
That one night, I wished upon a star as we both searched for the light
The twinkle faded, but in my heart, my body, you still shine

I wish forever
Hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo soreshika deki nai
Tatoe sekai ga boku wo nokoshite sugi sarou toshite mo
I wish forever
Close your eyes, let me paint your picture, even if the world should
abandon me, this would help me get through it all
Your love forever
Hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo sore dakede ii
Tatoe kisetsu ga boku wo nokoshite iro wo kaeyou tomo
Your love forever
Close your eyes, let me paint your picture, even if my heart
becomes deserted through the changing seasons, this much would do me good

Kioku no naka ni kimi wo sagasu yo sore dakede ii
Nakushita mono wo koeru tsuyosa wo kimi ga kuretakara
Kimi ga kuretakara
I found you as I searched my memories, and it’s okay
because you gave me the strength I need to get over the things I lost
That’s what you gave to me

Last night, I had disturbed sleep... again.. it's been a week of not sleeping well... but today feels different... never mind the poor spirits due to lack of sleep... maybe keeping myself busy & immersing myself in work helped... maybe blogging helped... maybe music & television helped... maybe reading helped... maybe havin' supportive (and yes, crappy) frens helped too... maybe my own perspective on things seems to have changed... suddenly, everything just seems like a distant, bad dream... I feel so different now that I wonder if I am still the same person... or maybe I am just back to being myself again... but somehow something about me feels changed... maybe more subdued and grown up with a clearer mind? What used to matter does not matter anymore... what used to be good may not be good anymore... I am just glad that I am no longer blinded... =)

I feel more serene than I have been in a while.. like I am in a different time frame... looking back at things from a different angle... as I have learnt, futile hope can be dangerous... I am now stronger... more resilient than ever and most importantly, I know what I truly need at the end of a day... life's empty if I do not experience it fully, with all its sweetness, sourness, bitterness & spiciness... there should be no regrets... even if the road I took is less travelled, maybe I gotta go through twisty, winding long roads to reach my ultimate destination... though I feel weary, I can stop and enjoy the scenery on the way there... it's wealth of another kind... maybe like what one of my close frens said, 'you need to experience what's bad to appreciate the good.'... I realise I've come to treasure & enjoy the really nice things & people in my life more...

In a strange way, it almost feels like I have experienced serendipity... serendipity meaning making fortunate discoveries by accident... This English author, Horace Walpole came up with this term & explained that this name was part of the title of "a silly fairy tale, called The Three Princes of Serendip: as their highnesses traveled, they were always making discoveries, by accidents and sagacity, of things which they were not in quest of...." Just when you think you have stumbled upon something unfortunate, some fortunate discovery might have come out of it after all... coincidentally, it so happens that the house starred in the movie, 'Nights in Rodanthe' is called Serendipity in real life... (nothing to do with the movie of the same name)... a house known for its extreme proximity to the sea... but has been condemned since Mar due to its septic system being damaged after a storm with high waters... whatever holds for the future of this house, the beauty and charm of it has already been captured on film for all to behold...



Last night... I read this... "Everyone comes into our life, to teach us a lesson"... and I feel that it's rather true... different incidents & people constantly teach us something new at different stages of our lives and that may not be something bad after all.... maybe that's what you call fate... some things are meant to happen and some people are meant to come into your life, no matter how brief the respite is... just be grateful for the good moments... as long as our souls are not tarnished by extreme bitterness after all the stormy weather & roller coaster rides... hopefully, we can become someone we wish to be and we can look back and smile at our own past foolishness...

Music & Lyrics OST ~ Hugh Grant & Haley Bennett ~ Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead,
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past,
I just can't seem to move on.

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday,
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
Oooooh.

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs,
I know that it's out there,
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere.

I've been looking for someone to shed some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night,
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end.

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end.

Today's a new day and I am feelin' emotionally so much better.... but yet physically so much worse! Haha what a paradox... feels like I went to battle last night.... played less than 2 hours of badminton at faraway YCK.... yes on a Sunday night... haha kinda crazy timing.. but had lotsa sweaty & exhausting fun with you gers!! =)

The last time I picked up the racket was donkey years ago.... was kinda hilarious at first haha.. when I kept missing when serving.. but after a while, I got better? I think? hee... it's my first time really exercising since I started my weekly therapy visits to the chinese physician with a western perspective... after consulting him on this of coz haha.. but he did say I am still not up for running yet... knee cartilage's still too weak... =(

To add on to the battered feeling... I have a fresh blue-black from Saturday's TCM torture session & a strange, ugly blood clot that suddenly appeared on the sole of my foot after I wore heels for the first time in a long while recently (it better go away quick!).... together with a faint blueblack on my wrist... it all kinda came at the same time and basically, I just feel bruised all over... a picture speaks a thousand words... so here it is... yet another blueblack mishap pic from me...



Maybe like what Mr. Bad Minton said, badminton is BAD for me too coz I overstrained myself & my leg has started to really hurt again today.. (no wonder he's always singing Michael Jackson's BAD & mixing songs singing that I am a fool... no matter what, thanks for your 'Love, Truth & Honesty' remix track.. it's kinda tackily funny actually.. I know I can always count on you for hearty humour, brudder =))... but no matter what, great workout! Whack(o)ed all those bad vibes right outta the system... too BAD MJ wasn't singing "Beat it... just beat it!" haha... guess that will only happen if KJ(MJ) becomes our tennis coach ya... =p guess I gotta pick up swimming soon instead then... if I can overcome my fear of drowning...

Maybe being injuried has its benefits... been pickin' up my fav hobby again... reading! I am enjoying being a bookaholic again * big grinz * been going to the library and all... realised just how many books I used to buy.... when I was cleanin' out my cupboard till I was sweaty & sneezy... * secret of the day: I'm a closet nerd! * ... just finished Carole Matthews' 'The Chocolate Lovers' Club'... nice, comforting book just like chocolate itself! =) Btw dear ger, the deadline's 3 Dec.. hee I know u have forgotten... (based on ya blog =p) ... I'm now onto another one.... Jane Green's 'To Have & To Hold'... no wonder I found her name familiar... I actually own one of her books, 'Mr. Maybe'! (I can loan it to you, adel ; ))... haha sometimes, reading really does wonders.... even if it's just light reading, you can relate to it so much because you are undergoing something similar in your own life and find some solace in it... it always makes me feel better to escape into another world for a while.... and somehow after it, you will know better how to deal with situations in this real, mundane world...

Well... I still have plenty of reading to do.... with the myriad of books waiting to be read by me... haha... that day while waiting, I found quite a number of "buffettology" books in the bookshop... seems quite interesting to get into the mind of Warren Buffett and learn more about his methodology... of coz seeing his name reminds me of something totally of a different nature! Not buffetology.. mind u... I think every Singaporean is already very good at it... =p That's what I heard on the radiowaves one afternoon.... "Warren Buffet! Ooppz... Buffett right?"... haha what a joker...

My gut instinct's scarily spot-on accurate sometimes.... mostly regarding not so good stuff... just 5 minutes ago, just at the very instant when I had a feeling my friend will pull out of the Zoukout outing... (tics juz bought somemore).... he msned me all the way from China... in CAPS, asking if can find someone to replace him... and I even guessed the reason correctly before he said anything, which is a valid reason though... * piangz * it's too coincidental... my gut feeling always has its strange way of working... haha it's alright la, sista... u are allowed to be 重色亲友 this time... hee... it's more important... at most you'll pay for someone else to go on your behalf k, as promised.. any takers?

Anyway thanks, Captain for your 2 am lecture and listening ear... despite you being tired from a long day of work.. and of coz pocket-busting retail therapy =p.... what you said really makes a lot of sense... which is the same as what I have been thinking about... I'll bear it in mind... really appreciate it and yes, I'll repay u by getting well! =) Good night! * back to reading my novel & dozing off as instructed *

Brian McKnight ~ One Last Cry

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie

I guess I'm down to my last cry
Cry......
I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....
I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

Now it's already 4.18 am... I'm sooo tired but cannot seem to sleep... my mind's full of running thoughts... These few days, I have been thinking through things... a good night's sleep's been eluding me & I've been tiring myself out (and some of my friends by chattin' incessantly) till 3 or 4 am every night till I can finally doze off to slumberland...

Well, this time, I guess the pain has hit me harder than I would admit.... I thought I could be as cool as a cucumber and be detached.. but I guess I am after all, human... not some cold, hard mechanical machine... it feels like my tear duct has finally been opened after these few years... the tears just keep flowin' when watchin' the melodramatic Korean soap drama, 'The Golden Bride 黄金新娘'.... especially this part about this woman who was going blind and waited 20 years in vain in Vietnam for this Korean man who promised he will return for her, but never did... she even bore him a daughter & never expected anything back from him in return... but yet he was too cowardly to acknowledge the very existence of her and their daughter because he will lose his family if he does so... by the time he realises the folly of his selfish actions, it might already be too late to receive forgiveness... and what a great excuse to let my emotions just flow...

I have not felt like that for a very long time... I guess I have been holdin' back for far too long.... but amid the realisation of it all.... when the hurt & the facts hit u straight in the face, that's when you really start to heal.... guess it's a kind of release for me... though I was so reluctant to give up and let go... it's all just too easy to slip back, forget.... and carry on... but I figured out since there's no way I can change certain things, there's no point... it's time to move on... after all, it's not what I want in the first place.... maybe, it's not even what I think it is... maybe I was just confused... I just want to be happy again... not engulfed in sadness and feelin' emo all the time... after all the dinner, drinks and laughter with friends, the emptiness still just comes back again to haunt me...

The worst part is not even knowing why I am letting you do this to me... havin' my hopes crushed time & again... being under your control like a doll... I do not even understand what's the big deal about you... what makes you think you can just pop in and out of my life as and when you please? I hate it when you do it & all the wrong words always come out of me at the wrong time... maybe I am just being spiteful... you were never there when it mattered the most... we cannot even seem to communicate on the same frequency... do you even know or respect me well as a person? Do you even truly care? You have put up a wall between us... I do not even know what's real and what's not anymore... I cannot read your unfathomable mind... what's the point really when there's no trust between us? If you really know me, you'll know better than to doubt me...

How can you talk about love when you do not even know how to do so? Maybe you do... just that I am not the right one for you & vice versa from the start... time really flies... it's been almost 5 months since we have had crossed paths in life... I guess I have no more time to waste on someone like u... waiting perpetually for u to come through... not that I am not understanding of your difficulties, but I'm sick of hearing the same old story over & over again... it's juz ain't enough for me and I just don't wanna care anymore... before I know it, this could drag on for another 5 years... by then... my heart, spirit, mind, body & soul will already be grey & weary beyond repair... Ironically, 5 years is also what's standing between us...

Someone recently told me even though he was hurt previously from past relationships, it's still better to love hard & give your best shot at the next one that comes along, rather than to withhold your feelings and be filled with regret... it's not being fair to himself or the other person... though it's only human nature to want to protect himself or herself.... it still does not give us the right to hurt others in return... someone like that ain't worth it... because you are not even considered important in his or her life... some good words that really put things into perspective...

Watched Nights in Rodanthe today with Miss Cinderella & Mister Mouse... just another reminder to me about what you can find in life that makes you happy without forgetting who you truly are... and who's really deserving of our time and attention.... it's never too late to start afresh... we girls were weeping.... and maybe even onto poor mousey's newly bought clothes... well... maybe some fairy credit has been earned after all... thanks for the great meal, company & crap jokes @ n.y.d.c.... really left us highly satiated... had a generous dose of sinful cheesecakes the mouse so loves... indulgence has never felt so heavenly... leavin' the Fairy Godmother imagining humans turning into mice & cats... (maybe coz it's post Halloween?) =)



A good friend of mine said there's only so much you can change for a person... it comes to a point when you cannot do it anymore... first and forthmost, know what you want... and then I realised I already have the answer... I cannot mold myself into someone different just for you... guess we are pretty much opposites & our wants are different... if something makes me more sad than happy most of the time, it's better to let go than to cling on persistently to something that's not meant to be truly mine...

I am surprised at myself... what happened to the happy-go-lucky me? I must have been insane & so out of character unexpectedly... it was not even me... but now I have found my sanity back... I'm a fool no more... do not take my kindness as weakness... u do not seem to understand what I really need & the reasons behind my actions. This is the choice I am making... I deserve more than this. I know that for sure. Despite so much angst, I empathise with you as you have it pretty tough in life too... it hasn't been easy for you & u have made it good so far... Though you appear to be leading a fulfilling life with brimming confidence & drive, I can still feel the jaded sadness with a twinge of bitterness in you... maybe it's the very same sadness that I was drawn to and is making me sad in turn... I can totally understand why you are holding back... so I do not blame you, really... I mean it... no matter what, I just wish for you to continue to do well & be truly happy... forgiving u is the best thing I can do for myself... keeping only the good memories... Thanks for the lessons about life & myself that I have learnt from you... it's not easy for me to say this... but I guess.. so this is goodbye, stranger... no regrets.

Brandy ~ Have You Ever

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
Just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Coz baby I can't sleep