It's 2.40am.... early morning... it's been a week of great communication and conversation with old & new friends.... a week of feeling sick and dehydrated... and an emotional upheaval too... I am sick & sick of being upset.

I recognise that I've changed. I recognise that some dynamics have changed. I recognise how stubbornly I've been holding on. I recognise for sure now that all this while, it's been a misfit. I've been shoving my feet insistently into a pair of shoes that does not fit me, for the wrong reasons... even though I do not love this pair of shoes enough anymore to feel like wanting to buy them.

A pair that seemed to have stable heels that gave me a sense of security at first... a pair that seemed to be different from all the shiny patent ones that I've seen so far... but maybe the material used is too hard for my delicate feet... which in turn makes them hurt in silent pain... the material's too rigid to ever contour nicely to my feet... or maybe I find the shoes too simple & matte now... I want to find a pair that's presentable enough for work, but yet comfortable enough for leisure... not something that only spells W-O-R-K all over it! I've decided to discard it to find the right fit... no point tormenting myself! Just like how Jimmy Choos ain't for everyone... the hefty price tag just ain't worth all the huge blisters I'll get! I will not be able to take it in the long run and just fall down the stairs. Misery should not be self-created. Yes, indeed. "I do have a choice." Suddenly, the shoe shop seems so big! =p No more time to waste!

I will not be forced to change just to meet someone's expectations and be on the same frequency as that person. If you're not comfortable with the concept of "me", you can forget about it.

P.S I am grateful for the friends who can really understand my mind, heart and soul! Thanks, Bestie & Bother... our friendship is indeed priceless, just like a glass of warm milk. =) * goes to sleep with a comforted soul *

It's been a while since I've blogged.... been busy with my mock papers... all the stress and stomach distress drove me nutzz... this time.. I had it really bad... but luckily... it's so much better after a trial and error marathon of medication... helps that I had lotsa encouragement from my dearest friends whom I appreciate a lot... =) Though my preparation's pretty last minute (as usual)... this time, I feel pretty satisfied that I did study hard for it! Now to prepare for the real thang!

Nevertheless, managed to catch a few movies.. the most recent ones being 'Changeling', 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' and 'He's Just Not That Into You'... Changeling gives a feeling of a woman's courage amidst despair... a show which I've enjoyed with Angelina Jolie's poignant acting, but left me wanting for no tears... next up.. I watched Brad Pitt as Benjamin Button... somehow I could really relate to the show and felt so sad for him... I also do not know what in the show really hit me... it literally worked out my tear ducts =p.... I guess it's touching when a woman not related to you by blood or skin colour is willing to love you, the peculiar child, just like her own child... and that it's really sad when some things cannot be helped in life and you just have to give up something or someone you really love, for that person's sake. As for the last one... it's a really hilarious movie that left me laughing in stitches.. I could feel the audience's empathy and and amusement at the dating mistakes being displayed in the show... it might be a little over-exaggerated, but I guess we can all relate to some of the traits and mistakes we've made in the show... heee.... HE"S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, my dear friends! =p ... 'Marley & Me' and 'Slumdog Millionaire' are still on my waiting list!

Had a great time on Saturday... I think I have not laughed so hard and so much for a long while.... everyone looked and sounded pretty cranky, but hey, that's the whole point of it right? To destress from the mundane life we have and have FUN! It's a pure waste of money if you do not enjoy yourself... Thanks for all the fun and laughter! =)

On a bluer note... I've been feeling bothered...
I could not sleep well for 2 nights and I've been trying to shake off this feeling of confusion, but I can't... so hence, I turn to here again...

It's strange how sometimes timing can affect the outcome of events or how you feel towards a person or object... It's like I've always thought I wanted this, but just when it seems like things are improving... when I'm closer to getting it, I am confused about what do I really want... my feelings about something might have changed over time... maybe I've been holding on to an empty illusion all this while... I just feel a little saddened and confused that I feel this way now... I wish I could turn back the clock... but I can't... maybe sometimes, there's really nothing left to save... when we're better off leading our separate lives... or maybe there still is... just that we all need time to start from scratch... I seem to be much more open about new encounters now but yet, I guess I'm still reluctant to let go of some things... stubborn contradictions just define my path in life so far... I have the tendency to follow what my heart tells me to do... but sometimes, is that the right way to go? Maybe we've been looking for love in the wrong places...

Seriously, I do not know... all I know is that I shall just see how things develop over time... having said that... exams are still priority for me... it's something I have to do for myself.. in order to move on and find something more fulfilling in life to do...

Another issue bothering me is the point of friendship, something that I've written about more than once... something that I've allowed myself to be more bothered about than I should have been coz it's totally not worth it... In fact, I've put all the unhappiness behind me, but this issue has cropped up yet again recently. Maybe I do sound excessively whiny / petty but I cannot believe some people are still the same, oblivious to all that had actually happened and still having the cheek to bear old grudges against me... well, through the hard way, I've learnt to be heartless towards heartless friends who are self-centred and are unhappy when the world's not revolving around them... people who fail to see the big picture and can only take their own happiness / unhappiness into account... forgetting what a gift it is to make others happy too in return by doing nice and sincere stuff.. forgetting it's not nice to blame people who sacrificed a lot to do most of the work just for your sake... forgetting your own part in the whole play of events too... forgetting it's not a very nice thing to pull a black face on a dear friend's happy day... forgetting that they are not "the universe"... forgetting it's not very nice to bitch about your friends behind their backs... seems like the norm of reciprocity does not apply to some... can such people still be called "FRIENDS", I wonder?

To sum it up, if you treat me just as an ordinary friend, do not expect me to do extraordinary things for you, especially when I've got high probability of being blamed... maybe it's all an misunderstanding... maybe everyone's pride have had been too strong... maybe some people are really that blur with a biased sense of perception... maybe it has never been true friendship... but no matter what, I've learnt my lesson, big time... focus on the right people and things!

Phew... got it outta my system.. and it feels great! I have really gotten my ample R&R yesterday and today... coupled with a jog, and maybe with some suntanning tomorrow... I'll be happy as a bird again.... lalala... =p and looking only ahead, even with all the bird shit in my path!