Now it's already 4.18 am... I'm sooo tired but cannot seem to sleep... my mind's full of running thoughts... These few days, I have been thinking through things... a good night's sleep's been eluding me & I've been tiring myself out (and some of my friends by chattin' incessantly) till 3 or 4 am every night till I can finally doze off to slumberland...

Well, this time, I guess the pain has hit me harder than I would admit.... I thought I could be as cool as a cucumber and be detached.. but I guess I am after all, human... not some cold, hard mechanical machine... it feels like my tear duct has finally been opened after these few years... the tears just keep flowin' when watchin' the melodramatic Korean soap drama, 'The Golden Bride 黄金新娘'.... especially this part about this woman who was going blind and waited 20 years in vain in Vietnam for this Korean man who promised he will return for her, but never did... she even bore him a daughter & never expected anything back from him in return... but yet he was too cowardly to acknowledge the very existence of her and their daughter because he will lose his family if he does so... by the time he realises the folly of his selfish actions, it might already be too late to receive forgiveness... and what a great excuse to let my emotions just flow...

I have not felt like that for a very long time... I guess I have been holdin' back for far too long.... but amid the realisation of it all.... when the hurt & the facts hit u straight in the face, that's when you really start to heal.... guess it's a kind of release for me... though I was so reluctant to give up and let go... it's all just too easy to slip back, forget.... and carry on... but I figured out since there's no way I can change certain things, there's no point... it's time to move on... after all, it's not what I want in the first place.... maybe, it's not even what I think it is... maybe I was just confused... I just want to be happy again... not engulfed in sadness and feelin' emo all the time... after all the dinner, drinks and laughter with friends, the emptiness still just comes back again to haunt me...

The worst part is not even knowing why I am letting you do this to me... havin' my hopes crushed time & again... being under your control like a doll... I do not even understand what's the big deal about you... what makes you think you can just pop in and out of my life as and when you please? I hate it when you do it & all the wrong words always come out of me at the wrong time... maybe I am just being spiteful... you were never there when it mattered the most... we cannot even seem to communicate on the same frequency... do you even know or respect me well as a person? Do you even truly care? You have put up a wall between us... I do not even know what's real and what's not anymore... I cannot read your unfathomable mind... what's the point really when there's no trust between us? If you really know me, you'll know better than to doubt me...

How can you talk about love when you do not even know how to do so? Maybe you do... just that I am not the right one for you & vice versa from the start... time really flies... it's been almost 5 months since we have had crossed paths in life... I guess I have no more time to waste on someone like u... waiting perpetually for u to come through... not that I am not understanding of your difficulties, but I'm sick of hearing the same old story over & over again... it's juz ain't enough for me and I just don't wanna care anymore... before I know it, this could drag on for another 5 years... by then... my heart, spirit, mind, body & soul will already be grey & weary beyond repair... Ironically, 5 years is also what's standing between us...

Someone recently told me even though he was hurt previously from past relationships, it's still better to love hard & give your best shot at the next one that comes along, rather than to withhold your feelings and be filled with regret... it's not being fair to himself or the other person... though it's only human nature to want to protect himself or herself.... it still does not give us the right to hurt others in return... someone like that ain't worth it... because you are not even considered important in his or her life... some good words that really put things into perspective...

Watched Nights in Rodanthe today with Miss Cinderella & Mister Mouse... just another reminder to me about what you can find in life that makes you happy without forgetting who you truly are... and who's really deserving of our time and attention.... it's never too late to start afresh... we girls were weeping.... and maybe even onto poor mousey's newly bought clothes... well... maybe some fairy credit has been earned after all... thanks for the great meal, company & crap jokes @ n.y.d.c.... really left us highly satiated... had a generous dose of sinful cheesecakes the mouse so loves... indulgence has never felt so heavenly... leavin' the Fairy Godmother imagining humans turning into mice & cats... (maybe coz it's post Halloween?) =)



A good friend of mine said there's only so much you can change for a person... it comes to a point when you cannot do it anymore... first and forthmost, know what you want... and then I realised I already have the answer... I cannot mold myself into someone different just for you... guess we are pretty much opposites & our wants are different... if something makes me more sad than happy most of the time, it's better to let go than to cling on persistently to something that's not meant to be truly mine...

I am surprised at myself... what happened to the happy-go-lucky me? I must have been insane & so out of character unexpectedly... it was not even me... but now I have found my sanity back... I'm a fool no more... do not take my kindness as weakness... u do not seem to understand what I really need & the reasons behind my actions. This is the choice I am making... I deserve more than this. I know that for sure. Despite so much angst, I empathise with you as you have it pretty tough in life too... it hasn't been easy for you & u have made it good so far... Though you appear to be leading a fulfilling life with brimming confidence & drive, I can still feel the jaded sadness with a twinge of bitterness in you... maybe it's the very same sadness that I was drawn to and is making me sad in turn... I can totally understand why you are holding back... so I do not blame you, really... I mean it... no matter what, I just wish for you to continue to do well & be truly happy... forgiving u is the best thing I can do for myself... keeping only the good memories... Thanks for the lessons about life & myself that I have learnt from you... it's not easy for me to say this... but I guess.. so this is goodbye, stranger... no regrets.